a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
