Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
