they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
