How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My bed smells like the plague
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