I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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