I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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