I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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