I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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