you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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