i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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