you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
