I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
