She is in my trunk
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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