There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
