where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize