While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
