I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
