you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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