Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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