He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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