Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
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Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i think i just lost a toe
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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