I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
