remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
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His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
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I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more