I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives