Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.