WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
