insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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