my phone needs a breathalizer
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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