with your own penis?
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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