dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
