oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
