You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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