Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize