dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
