franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
