Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
