I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
