I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
no you cant smoke seaweed
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
