About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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