just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize