We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
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I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
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That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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