I will die if light touches me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
