There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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