What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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