But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
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You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
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I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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