Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
