you didnt know i had herpes?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
