I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
