did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
