Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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