Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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