That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
