I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
