oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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