The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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