Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
