That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
